my head unhinged

2010-10-13T22:43:00.001-04:00

sometimes you sit next to a cold cold window and smoke a semi-stale cigarette with pavement on in the background and you crack a beer and maybe really this living alone thing isn't so bad isn't so bad isn't so

heatwAvEs

2010-07-08T22:06:00.003-04:00

i'm sitting in a room that's full of leftover heat from another sunny sunny summertime summer day in brooklyn, with a bag full of laundry that came out of a dryer like an inferno, zippers burning skin

i'm trying to think about where i'm going to live in 3 weeks time and i'm not having much luck so far, but i'm listening to some music and i feel a fan at my back and my desk is full of shit and i guess it'll be okay one way or the other or maybe i can just

i went to maine and my friend's brother had a yurt in a wooded yard for his own living space. i'm thinking about that a lot

stuff:
1)yup
2)maybe
3)yup

work-a-day freewrite

2010-04-21T13:25:00.000-04:00

pick up the doorknob from the ground and lay it by the side. pick up the pieces of that and this and that and this but don't forget where you put them or you might be found out. take a part of a thing and place it next to a part of another thing and watch as small motors whir with a whirring that might wake up a neighbor. things might take to the air or stroll low across the ground as it were but you'll get to find out if anything can move, anything at all. because if it can't then what's the point really? what's the point if nothing can move?

2010-01-13T23:14:00.001-05:00

sometimes things just feel like they are standing still. I guess that is something we should remedy

a day goes

2009-06-16T23:40:00.003-04:00

sometimes a day goes by quickly

you walk onto a ninth floor and you make a right a left a right to the end of a row and sit in a box

if you rub your eyes for five and a half minutes you can get the same sensation you get staring at a screen for two hours, line line line line number line line message message dot

you drink an occasional coffee and you load up on caffeine and hope it keeps your motor functions motoring and if not you can always nod off for a second because nobody will notice i promise because well

you stare out a window that looks at a wall full of brick brick brick and maybe just maybe you see a feather and wonder what happened to the bird that shed it and what it feels like to be touching sky right this very now

you watch a clock and when it arrives at an appointed moment in time you can lace up your sneakers with the holes in the side and push a button and flip a switch and say goodbye and step outside and enter a tunnel and walk moving stairs and ride a train and be a part of

written

2009-06-04T23:32:00.003-04:00

this is the first in a [long, long] while and thus fairly short

built with his hands

James stood watching the short trees shake small drops from their boughs. It was night and dim but clear and he brought his right hand up and he took a pull from his lit cigarette. He flicked the end into the damp grass and watched it go out.

The dog quietly sidled up to him and pushed his head into his palm and put his ears back. James patted his head and pulled his palm back along his neck and the run of his spine. The night was quiet bar their breathing and the occasional noise of the man’s hand patting the dog’s bare ribs.

They walked through the grass back to the house, the dog occasionally pricking his ears to a distant noise, a squirrel or a bird or just some acorns falling in the woods loosed by the wind. The back door was still cracked open as they’d left it and the small house was dark and quiet.

James entered the main room first and put some small bits of wood on top of the still-hot embers in the fireplace and stood seeing if they’d catch and they did. The dog stretched low to the ground and lay in front of the flame and James sat in the wooden rocker and thought of her and her face and her strong sharp features and how sometimes a woman is so pretty it makes you go cold inside. He picked up his glass of warm whiskey lying on the floor beside him and took a sip and took out another cigarette but didn’t light it and just held it between his index and middle digits.

He heard the phone ring and got up while the dog stayed stiff and still. “Hello?”
It was his mother and given the time of day he was confused only a second until he realized from her tone that it was something bad and his father was in the hospital again and it seemed okay but maybe he should come by and would he be able to make it tomorrow?

He finished the whiskey and had a cigarette and prepared to sleep while the dog shifted to the foot of his low bed and he slept without dreaming and woke with the air cold and the dog making noise and looking like he was running in his dreams. When he’d risen from the bed he called for a taxi and drank fresh coffee and called the dog outside and stood in the fresh sun and breathed and smoked and exhaled.

The taxi arrived shortly after he’d finished dressing and idled in front of his home while he spoke softly to the dog and locked the doors for the hours he’d be gone. He paid the cab fare at the train station and bought a ticket and stood smoking quietly on the platform trying to discern the smoke coming out of his lungs from the fog of his breath in the cold air.

He boarded the train and found a seat and left the ticket out for the passing conductor. He sat back and closed his eyes and thought of times when his father was a strong man and built with his hands and had a heart that worked.

some time passes

2009-05-10T22:26:00.009-04:00

it's been a little bit since i last posted, maybe a little too long. some factual things that have transpired:
[] i got a haircut
[] soccer saturdays in prospect park have begun
[] my 27th birthday came and passed
[] heatwaves happened
[] i don't know what i'm doing
[] friends and i made pasta from scratch
[] i wanted a dog around to walk at night
[] fruit sorbet was ate
[] i slept once a day on average
[] []

it's weird because having set the goal of this not being a place to simply jot things down as they happen, well, i struggle to find myself knowing what to write all of the time. i guess that's a symptom of a more general problem, but i don't want to just write about my daily routine

i've taken the camera out a bit more and i think i'm sort of getting a better understanding of it. i'm still trying to avoid doing processing on images partly because of a lack of knowledge, partly because i want images to look like what they looked like. i've been keeping busy, sometimes more so than i would've expected. but i'm not sure what it's leading to

i do feel like i've been avoiding taking advantage of creative outlets for quite some time. using the camera helps alleviate that, but not as much as needed. on that point, i am going to try to rekindle my website and start writing / drawing / something again. i honestly don't know what i'm doing. i just know that i'm feeling like instead of just being lost that i'm really doing nothing. and that's not a good thing

so, i spent a brief while kind of "reloading" things and will have to go from there. i will try - seriously, i will

i have had for the past month, months, moons this sentiment that i have stopped doing things that i was doing years ago that were healthy for me, whether they be physical, mental, whatever kind of things. i think not doing them has affected me to a point and it's weird to think that maybe i had things more right then than i do now. scary to think that, too

the world is still a scary place. offices are still closing and people are still reeling in parts, but i guess at the end of the day what i'm really left wondering is how many people get to do what they want to do? one of my biggest problems has always been not knowing what to focus on. it persists

rather than rant on i will withhold in the hopes of updating this again soon, let's say within a week. i have a few interesting things coming up and maybe one or more will inspire some smiles or tears or frowns or giggles. but at least something

the website to be reopened gradual-like is www.optimismitself.com

below i'm posting one of the views i like most from around here. not really for the sight, if that makes sense, but for the calm associated with it; i took the shot from a little slip that juts out into the water and is so incredibly quiet for brooklyn. it just is the kind of place that makes you sense peace

spring starts [sort of]

2009-03-21T20:46:00.003-04:00

March 20th was meant to be the start of spring and in Brooklyn I stepped outside to be met by snow. I can't recall a year where temperatures shifted 30 degrees in the span of a few days, but that has become kind of the regular thing and it's a bit discomforting. I know the span of my life (our lives) is pretty minimal compared to how the planet's time passes, but it just doesn't feel right, does it? Maybe it's just me

It's been a weird few weeks and I've been in a weird mental mood so maybe not posting much is a good thing as I'm trying to avoid posting anything that becomes me ranting and/or raving. I started fiddling with my camera a bit and have been enjoying slowly getting a grasp on things. Here's a purposely shaky shot I took today [I know purposely and blurry probably shouldn't go together, but this was]:

I am looking forward to a bit warmer weather and trips walking Brooklyn and playing soccer in Prospect Park. Maybe do some camping, definitely do some grilling. Better weather brings with it a sort of inherent optimism I think for all of us and I'm hoping that sometime soon spring does genuinely begin. The space between 30 degree winters and 90 degree summers may be a sort of brief one but it really is the best moment to be in the city

Have you ever been in a moment or a place where you feel like things are about to sort of fall off and start anew? I've felt like that for a little while but I really don't know what the shift is going to be and to be honest I'm kind of nervous. But I remain optimistic. I try to remain optimistic, anyways

a wish for warmer days

2009-03-03T00:01:00.004-05:00

on saturday i headed to a friends' place for some winter grilling. the morning was decently warm, and we carried a grill up a rickety ladder onto a sunset park rooftop. mark ran the show and once again showed how well he's getting his shit down when it comes to all of this

i attempted to use my newly purchased camera, to varying degrees of success. it's going to take a while i think not only to learn how to actually use it properly but to learn to edit photos the right way. that said, i think it went decently. and, past that, i felt like it at least did make me a slightly more active participant in the whole thing.

i'm looking forward to warmer days and afternoons in front of fires, going home smelling like the grill. sometimes i feel like it takes me a few days to really get the scent of the chunk charcoal out of my hair, and it creates a weird lingering element to it all.

economies of scale

2009-02-17T23:26:00.004-05:00

i kind of want to say that today i experienced what layoffs are for the first time, but this makes it sound like a very personal thing, a thing which happened to me. that was not the case

instead, i was sort of circumspect to the events. about 10 coworkers of mine were given their goodbye today, and it was just a kind of oddly false feeling thing. false in the sense that i fully expect to see them tomorrow morning, if that makes sense

i know that every generation goes through its down moments. i know that for my parents, the early 80s were really brutal, and i've heard them recount tales of borrowing money, of not being able to purchase things taken for granted now. and though technically alive for that, honestly, no one my age has any recollection of such things

i don't have too much to say on this i guess, i dunno, i just wanted to lay out some brief thoughts. in the scheme of things i am doing well at the current moment and really have nothing to worry about, but in a way the current moment is exemplary of a thing that scares many of us : not being able to alter those things completely out of our control. as much as i might read about, talk about, or personally experience some of the difficulties of the moment, i cannot change the current circumstance. i might be able to decide my reaction to events, sure, but i cannot determine these events. i'm not saying that life is full solely of events we all choose, not by any means, but there are some situations that are almost scarily outside the realm of choice

i know i'm rambling, but i guess all i can say is that i do hope that people with the ability to make choices that can effect improvement do make those choices. i do hope that the people i personally know who are reeling will be okay. i do hope that i will somehow be able to manage better those things that are actually in my control

quick update

2009-02-11T00:12:00.003-05:00

unfortunately the past two weeks, rather than being full of time to be creative, have been full of some things approaching busy-work, some things not. needless to say it has been busy

i do hope to have time enough to do a proper posting on the weekend

last saturday, i read cormac mccarthy's the road in its entirety because, well, i needed a bit of relaxing time and reading is that. it took a while to adjust to the style of it, not an altogether uncommon thing i guess. but it was a pretty decent read. by way of being lazy, i will leave you with a short part i thought was really good:

"The one thing I can tell you is that you wont survive for yourself. I know because I would never have come this far. A person who had no one would be well advised to cobble together some passable ghost. Breathe it into being and coax it along with words of love. Offer it each phantom crumb and shield it from harm with your body. As for me my only hope is for eternal nothingness and I hope it with all my heart."

guidelines | attempted

2009-01-29T16:04:00.005-05:00

part of me has always felt that creativity springs forth from itself in a way, that it's a sort of "big bang" that just occurs because it is meant to occur. and i do think that some creative work does get produced in this way, that it is just created in a moment with little to no planning and upon creation is already in its nearly final form

but reading more and more about processes and how people have accomplished so many things, i've learned that while many things are of the moment, so many more things are staked out bit by bit, piece by piece. this may mean a general outline of how things are to progress, or it may mean years of taking notes and writing down sentences until a thing seems ready

if i were to just kind of wing it entirely, then i would say that this blog would be a place filled with whatever variable thing struck me at a moment in time. and in a way i would really like that. but i do feel that for this to have some sort of cohesion, it has to have some sort of bounds or at least some sort of hoped for future path

so what can be expected here? what do i expect here? posts like yesterday's will probably be more the exception than the rule; i don't really want this to necessarily be a recounting of my daily affairs. i would like this to contain some element of free writing, which will deviate obviously from these sort of long, pragmatic posts. i would like to be able to discuss ideas here. i would like to be able to show work here. i would like this to be something which is positive but can be a place to mention difficulties as well.

i would say that at the moment my chief creative passions are : writing / visuals (drawings, photos, other) / kitchen. i think that this can be a place to pour out the first 2 of those 3 things. i think that if i feel i can do so in a regular way, i will try to deal with the 3rd in a separate place.

i honestly don't know if plotting out guidelines will in any way start to give this a sort of shape and form. it's early yet, and these things can grow on their own if given the chance and there is a regular contribution of work. that said, i do believe the above at least gives a decent idea of where my head is in all of this

return leg

2009-01-27T17:51:00.005-05:00

on thursday night i made the brief flight to florida to do some family visiting. i made my return trip monday morning, having awoken at the lovely hour of 5.30am while darkness still ruled in central florida.

the trip was okay; unfortunately i have yet to purchase the new camera so come back pictureless. i did some reading, some walking, some eating of generally bad, fried food, and played with dogs. when i head down there, i usually like to try some weird chain i've never eaten at before out of curiosity (past winners : steak n' shake, sonny's, wing house) and without planning it wound up at one this time: a disturbing little place called R.J. Gator's (as i've learned upon research, R.J. stands for "Rockin' Jammin")

if you can manage to avoid doing so, please never go there. particularly if you are accompanied by troupes of old people. but even if you are alone and think the founding year of 1986 means the place has staying power : turn away.

soon, possibly tomorrow, i am going to try to talk a little bit more about where i think this is going to go content-wise (not necessarily setting restrictions, but giving some idea) and i will probably spout out on some general ideas about things because that is what i oftentimes like to do

14 january

2009-01-14T22:09:00.001-05:00

smoking a cigarette on a cold night in brooklyn
and looking for the smallest sign of a moon
that might be tucked behind building tops
and i can't help but think
of how nice it would be to
climb to a rooftop and
lie down and sleep
but for the fact
that my lungs might
fill with frost

travels and such

2009-01-13T23:21:00.006-05:00

the past few years, i've tended to get my travel done in winter. i don't know if it's simply a means of escaping during sort of depressing weather, that it's the easiest time to get away from work, or maybe just something to look forward to at the start of a new year. i am expecting to do the same this year, with a brief hop to florida and then a longer trip elsewhere (out of country).

i will hopefully have acquired a new digital camera by that time. whether i will acquire the skill to take any decent shots, of course, is an altogether different matter.

in 2003 (while doing "study abroad"), i was able to make it to copenhagen, denmark | malmo, sweden | stockholm, sweden and for whatever reason have just found myself attracted in a way to the style in these type of places. whether it is the buildings or the people is something i honestly don't know.

travelling to stockholm was the first time i headed to a foreign city completely alone, and i wound up taking quite a few photos while spending long days walking the streets. the city was beautiful, sunshine and spring weather every day. i stayed on a boat, hopped around the islands, fell asleep during a boat tour at complete peace. i ate and drank well, wanting to marry almost every beautiful scandinavian woman i saw walking through the city.

the above are a few photos from stockholm taken in may of 2003, edited mainly for size / cropped slightly. i am hoping that with the detail inherent in higher quality photos i will be pushed toward actually working to edit them properly in future

wochenmitte

2009-01-08T17:13:00.004-05:00

midweek midweek ah the weekend approaches

a few things i like are:
[ ] winter days and winter nights; cold air on your face and smoking a cigarette at night while it's clear and you can look up and see something in the sky
[ ] knowing a few scattered, foreign words; sometimes the sound of them, even if you know exactly what they mean, i don't know... there's just something to a sort of flow of sound which is so completely different from what you are used to
[ ] getting enough sleep (i haven't been)
[ ] thoughts of travel and having time where walking around and experiencing a new place is my only "job", even if for only a matter of days

at some point soon i will try to maybe post one or two images from past places i've been and liked. i really enjoy taking pictures of places for some reason rather than people. i don't know why that is but maybe it's something i should change. photos were taken on a very old kodak digital camera [the only one i currently have] so we'll do the best we can

somehow in a city i don't expect it to get quite as dark as it suddenly and harshly does here on these short winter days - the absence of light is almost startling in the same way lightning can be if you really think about it

the potential for snow

2009-01-06T12:27:00.003-05:00

allegedly tonight there should be some snow rolling in. i'm left feeling like the perfect place to be on a day like today, when it's not really too cold quite yet, is on a porch somewhere outside the city, drinking a good beer, smoking a good cigarette, maybe in one of those swinging benches that porches sometimes have

living in a city can cause some (myself included) to develop a sort of idyllic view of life away from noise and large crowds of people. i feel like in the past it was easy to look down on country life in the sense that by being so far apart from the lively aspects of a city you were separating yourself from so many things, be it music, art, whatever. with the growth of technology, though, doesn't it kind of seem like the separation really is dimming? granted, being inside of some place and experiencing an actual thing isn't equivalent to seeing its image or its recording on the internet, but that also doesn't make the experience of a thing online without value. there are so many things [pictures, video, even text in the form of foreign news service/blogs] that all of us use technology to readily experience. does this mean it's easier to walk away from a city because you're not really disconnecting?

what amazes me in a way is that 6 or 7 years ago the thought of stepping into a sort of countryside is probably something i would have viewed with scorn. now it's something that seems to me to merit a genuine weighing of value

i wouldn't mind having an open house, maybe only a few hours from an actual city, near some trees. there will be a big old wooden table in the kitchen for people to gather round. there will be a dog. there will be a porch to drink beer and smoke cigarettes and maybe even fall asleep until you feel the first cold winds that let you know the snow is coming

inception

2008-12-27T03:00:00.008-05:00

boxes and crates often have hinges which when acted upon allow them to spill forth their contents. people, well, we don't quite have that.

in past moments i've had places on the interweb that served this type of function. having spent some time looking at these, they were (1) sometimes quite depressing or (2) sometimes quite forced. i will make efforts to avoid both of those situations here. i know the current header image (picasso's tragedy) might lead you to believe item 1 will not be easily avoided, but i will try.

it has been at least 2 years since i have had such a place, though, and that may beg the question, "why now?" | well, quite simply put, there are some things i have unwisely let lapse and i believe this is one of them. so, this is an attempt to get back on track, whatever that means.

it's 3.00 AM, but besides a sort of general tiredness, i am doing alright - i hope you are, too